April 15, 2024

For a recreation like Overwatch 2, during which its story has been trickled out over dozens of disparate exterior media tales fairly than in a single, cohesive factor—you recognize, like, a online game marketing campaign?—there are certain to be inconsistencies alongside the way in which. However lord, seeing the sport’s 38 heroes abruptly get canonical birthdates and ages actually simply makes it obvious how weirdly incongruous these ages are with the timeline we all know.

This new birth-chart fodder comes from the official Overwatch web site, which was up to date this week to present every hero a canonical birthday and age. A few of these make sense, like how most of the old-guard characters like Soldier: 76, Ana, and Reaper are of their late 50s and early 60s. The brand new children on the block—like latest addition Illari being an 18-year-old sun-powered queen, or D.Va being a 21-year-old esports champion—in all probability try too, as a result of they’re principally faraway from the bigger timeline of Overwatch. It’s once we begin evaluating extra central characters’ canonical ages that issues begin to get murky.

Kiriko, one of many new help heroes launched in Overwatch 2, is among the most obvious examples of the maths not mathing. When Blizzard first revealed Kiriko, it claimed she grew up with Genji and Hanzo, and even educated alongside them within the methods of the sword. Nonetheless, now that each one concerned have official ages, issues aren’t including up. We’re instructed Genji and Hanzo are 37 and 40, respectively, whereas Kiriko is supposedly 21. On paper, I imagine these ages as a result of every of these heroes feels written to be these ages, it’s the pitting these numbers in opposition to the lore, artwork, and story we all know that doesn’t click on. Take a look at this illustration of the three coaching in Kiriko’s Origin Story trailer. You anticipate me to imagine there are practically 20 years of distinction between these characters? Certain, Kiriko appears to be like younger and will fairly be underneath 10 right here, however you anticipate me to imagine that Hanzo is pushing 30 on this picture?

Screenshot: Blizzard Leisure / Kotaku

Assault of the Fanboy compiled some examples of Overwatch followers mentioning different oddities and inconsistencies. Contemplate Sojourn, who’s now listed as 47 years previous. Her sister Valentine, launched in the spin-off novel “Overwatch 2: Sojourn”, would have needed to have been 14 years previous when giving delivery to Sojourn’s niece Bonnie. Which positive, isn’t unimaginable, but it surely does appear extremely unlikely.

Personally, one of many largest eyebrow-raising age questions of Overwatch is Pharah and Mercy, who grew to become a canonical (presumably unrequited) pairing within the story when it was revealed Pharah is a lesbian throughout the sport’s first Delight occasion. Mercy is 39, whereas Pharah is supposedly 34. In the meantime, artwork of Pharah exists in Ana’s origin story that exhibits a really, very younger Pharah standing with a lot of the unique Overwatch crew; the hole between the 2 seems a lot bigger than 5 years.

Pharah, Mercy, Reaper, Soldier: 76, Reinhardt, Ana, Torbjorn, Cassidy, and Sojourn pose for a photo.

Screenshot: Blizzard Leisure / Kotaku

Truthfully, with all of Overwatch’s narrative modifications and shake-ups through the years, I get it. Attempting to get this recreation’s story off the bottom has been tumultuous sufficient that anticipating it to be hermetic and ideal in its timeline and lore is simply nitpicking. However it’s humorous to take a look at all of the numbers subsequent to one another and notice a majority of Overwatch’s story is about vibes greater than moving into the nitty-gritty of the timeline.

Should you’re curious, listed below are everybody’s ages and birthdays:

Tank

  • D.Va: June 22, (21)
  • Doomfist: Might 25, (47)
  • Junker Queen: June 14, (31)
  • Orisa: Might 9, (1)
  • Ramattra: March 29, (28)
  • Reinhardt: June 26, (63)
  • Roadhog: September 12, (50)
  • Sigma: March 12, (64)
  • Winston: June 6, (31)
  • Wrecking Ball: October 15, (16)
  • Zarya: December 4, (30)

Injury

  • Ashe: October 1, (41)
  • Bastion: ??? (32)
  • Cassidy: July 31, (39)
  • Echo: February 5, (14)
  • Genji: October 28, (37)
  • Hanzo: November 3, (40)
  • Junkrat: February 29, (27)
  • Mei: September 5, (33)
  • Pharah: April 15, (34)
  • Reaper: December 14, (60)
  • Sojourn: January 12, (47)
  • Soldier: 76: January 27, (58)
  • Sombra: December 31, (32)
  • Symettra: October 2, (30)
  • Torbjorn: September 21, (59)
  • Tracer: February 12, (28)
  • Widowmaker: November 19, (35)

Help

  • Ana: January 1, (62)
  • Baptiste: March 12, (38)
  • Brigitte: September 22, (25)
  • Illari: December 21, (18)
  • Kiriko: July 7, (21)
  • Lifeweaver: April 28, (31)
  • Lucio: March 20, (28)
  • Mercy: Might 13, (39)
  • Moira: April 4, (50)
  • Zenyatta: July 14, (33)

Transferring ahead, we should always all make a pact to now not ask for folks’s birthsigns; now, we’ll simply ask one another which Overwatch hero we share a delivery month with. Sadly, my very own reply of “Wrecking Ball, the clever hamster” doesn’t sound notably cool.

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